well well.

i can never figure out whether im always at the brink of falling in love, or never even close to attraction - there is never an in between. they are meant for me or they are not. my biggest fault isnt leaving, its not leaving soon enough. everything becomes tangled. and complicated and dramatic and boring, irritating yet amusing. but not amusing in a good or funny way; amusing in the way that i sit and laugh about what i will say next to avoid you (and make it sound good). its not because i think i am better, it is because you give me the oppurtunity to analyze your flaws. it is because you give me the chance to temporarily develop my own flaws (which will change immediately after you leave the picture). its not a matter of me changing for you. its a matter of me changing for me, because in my mind i know that there is nothing more wrong and absurd than you and i together, i begin to change habit in order to see how it is, the way you live. i never end up liking it. why? because i like the way i live. i go everyday the way i do, because its what keeps me sane and grounded. love is a very tricky thing. youre supposed to make sacrifices and give everything inside of you to make someone else warm inside. but it seems like every time im given the chance to, im still trying to make myself warm inside, because god knows that no one else can do it right. im not being proud and im not acting full. im so distant with the world around me because i dont know how to love it, and i dont know how to let it love me.