BANAN.

2009-05-08T11:00:00.001-07:00

i am so happy.

little flowers.

2009-03-04T19:32:00.000-08:00

maybe it makes sense now. maybe somewhere in all of this theres a reason. maybe somewhere in all of this theres a why. maybe somewhere theres that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. but nothing, not tears, nothing can make something that happen, unhappen. the passage of time is all too often measured only by loss.

take the bitter with the sweet. accept lifes misfortunes as well as its joys. i try not to worry, but i stay terrified. i need to learn to face difficulties as they happen and not worry uselessly about them beforehand. i need to learn to say, "lets cross that bridge when we come to it," and "here today, gone tomorrow." i dont always need to feel so defeated. theres a lot that im accomplishing, all of the time. whether i choose to acknowledge it or not.

without you its a waste of time.

2008-10-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

to me, leaving isnt about finding something better, its about seeing what i havent, and experiencing what ive never had the chance to. i want to travel while im young. while i have no real obligations or commitments. i am happy inside, for the first time in a long time. and its no ones fault but my own. which makes it that much better. here comes the sun little darlin.

im not really sure.

2008-09-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

about anything anymore. im sick to my empty stomach. i want to throw up but theres nothing to come up. id like progress. i just have no energy or faith left to find it. im over everything, im so past it. i hope. i woke up this morning and nothing was right. all day. everything was wrong. i cant stop being sad today. today is a bad day. its been a no good, very bad day. and ive got sunburn on my shoulders. and im peeling. its very sad. its a very sad day for my shoulders.

2008-09-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

shouldnt i still be playing house and shouldnt i still get silly crushes and shouldnt i still dream of being an astronaut and shouldnt i still decorate my room with boy band posters i ripped out of magazines and shouldnt i still want a pony and shouldnt i still ask mommy for permission and shouldnt i still hate doing my chores and shouldnt i still get in trouble and shouldnt i still get put in time out and shouldnt i still run up the stairs and shouldnt i still fall down them and shouldnt i still sleep with stuffed animals and shouldnt i still get excited over ice cream after dinner and shouldnt i still have a bedtime and shouldnt i still sneak a flashlight under my blankets to avoid it and shouldnt i still get taken care of when im sick and shouldnt i still be scared of monsters and shouldnt i still lick the cake mix off the spoon and shouldnt i still have a childhood. i got jipped. i didnt want to grow up and i didnt have a choice.

plants and animals.

2008-09-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

"dont be sad that im alone, im not."
"youre not alone?"
"im not sad."

well well.

2008-09-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

i can never figure out whether im always at the brink of falling in love, or never even close to attraction - there is never an in between. they are meant for me or they are not. my biggest fault isnt leaving, its not leaving soon enough. everything becomes tangled. and complicated and dramatic and boring, irritating yet amusing. but not amusing in a good or funny way; amusing in the way that i sit and laugh about what i will say next to avoid you (and make it sound good). its not because i think i am better, it is because you give me the oppurtunity to analyze your flaws. it is because you give me the chance to temporarily develop my own flaws (which will change immediately after you leave the picture). its not a matter of me changing for you. its a matter of me changing for me, because in my mind i know that there is nothing more wrong and absurd than you and i together, i begin to change habit in order to see how it is, the way you live. i never end up liking it. why? because i like the way i live. i go everyday the way i do, because its what keeps me sane and grounded. love is a very tricky thing. youre supposed to make sacrifices and give everything inside of you to make someone else warm inside. but it seems like every time im given the chance to, im still trying to make myself warm inside, because god knows that no one else can do it right. im not being proud and im not acting full. im so distant with the world around me because i dont know how to love it, and i dont know how to let it love me.

and ill hear my children and grandchildren sing.

2008-09-01T00:36:00.000-07:00

ive got stars in my great big sky. i shall gaze upon without leaving small ones behind, because theyre harder to find. some were satellites, others planes. some were twinkling while others were fading away, but theyre all one of a kind. its not that interesting but id like to keep it a secret so ill have something left to give. its not that difficult when youve got a luck of this kind. weve got to take advantage, weve got such limited time. its not that interesting but id like to keep it a secret so ill have something left to give in my remaining years when i am old and plain lazy ill have a little something left to give to all those who loved me so much. id like to return the favor and have something left to give.

im not for you.

2008-08-25T00:44:00.000-07:00

for you, i have been here and youve done what you want. call if you want to, hide when you dont, i dont care. all of your dreams, hope they dont leave you too. and when no one else sees, i see only you. how long will it take?

a seven letter word, like perfect, like angelic.

2008-06-05T22:38:00.001-07:00

im back with my compulsion, my obsession, my fixation. i surrendered to my habit, there was no negotiation.

i just had an emotional breakdown

2008-04-28T13:44:00.001-07:00

from reading a postsecret.

and the truth is,

2008-04-21T23:00:00.001-07:00

i miss you so. and im tired. i should not have let you go. so i crawl back into your open arms. open them up. please.

havent had a day alone since i met you.

2008-04-07T21:42:00.000-07:00

he makes my head much lighter, you know. i could use a vacation myself. my eyes are bored.

you should probably

2008-03-29T22:36:00.001-07:00

bring a gun to the fight, aaight?

sunshine.

2008-03-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

i would like to reach out my hand.
i may see you, i may tell you to run.
you know what they say about the young.
well pick me up with golden hands.
we will run, we will crawl.
send me on my way.

blue eyes.

2008-03-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

im remembering you singing and bringing you to life, its raining out the window and today it looks like night. you havent written to me in a week im wondering why that is. are you too nervous to be lovers, friendships ruined with just one kiss. i watched you very closely and i saw you look away, your eyes are either gray or blue im never close enough to say. but your sweatshirt says it all with the hood over your face, and i cant keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes. im with another boy; hes asleep, im wide awake, and he tried to win my heart, but its taken time. and i know the shape of your hands because i watch them when you talk and i know the shape of your body cause i watch it when you walk and i want to know it all, but im giving you the lead so go on, go on and take it, dont fake it. dont second guess your feelings, you were right from the start. and i notice shes your lover, but shes nowhere near your heart. this city is for strangers like the sky is for the stars. but i think its very dangerous if we do not take whats ours. and im winning you with words because i have no other way. i want to look into your face without your eyes turning away. last night i watched you sing because a person has to try and i walked home in the rain because a person cannot lie.

what if i were smiling and running into your arms? would you see then what i see now?

2008-03-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

i know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head.

when you forgive, you love. and when you love, Gods light shines upon you. happiness is only real when shared. i am reborn. this is my dawn. real life has just begun.

aint no trouble gonna find me now.

2008-03-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

trouble tracks me down, its been dragging me around since my feet first touched the ground. and im kicking like a kid, cause i cant get rid of it, and its never goin nowhere now. i duck-dodge to my left, i slide step to my right, but it nails me everytime. and im finished pulling fits, ill learn to live with it. marching steady, straight and by my side. trouble makes no scene, he sweeps in surgical and clean, leaves me begging on my hands and knees. and hes always on the clock, but he doesnt own a watch cause he wrecks me straight into my sleep. when i drift into a dream and im sailing on some sea, shooting whiskey with my irish pride, till he wakes me up. im alone in brooklyn, broke as fuck, with a splitting headache and sore bloodshot eyes. and ive known trouble all my life and im sick of asking why. its like screaming at a set of dice. theyre gonna roll the way they roll and then youre never gonna know, so getting crazys just a waste of time. ive just seen trouble track me down, it keeps pushing me around, till im deep inside the ground. and then ill smile in my sleep, cause in that box im finally free. and aint no trouble gonna find me now. aint no trouble gonna find me now. aint no trouble gonna find me now.

dear sleeper.

2008-03-22T23:16:00.001-07:00

i think of you most when i am asleep cause its making up for you not being next to me.

lately, all i want to do is write. when you asked me if i was crying the other morning, i told you i wasnt, and i dont think i should have been, because right now i dont think your happiness is a reason to express my own. and now i understand better than i ever have.

you made this world, you made this peace, you gave me life, thank you, thank you. your love is everywhere. open me.

new friends and not-so-new ones.

2008-03-15T22:53:00.000-07:00

i had a really satisfying night, and a pretty good day at work. im exhausted, kind of happy i have a day off from work tomorrow, i can just relax and go to church. thats the way sundays should be spent. the only thing that could afford to change right now is the full body ache ive got going on from work and home improvement should just never be on tv ever. goodnight world.

his hands

2008-03-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

were the first id ever felt. he carried me. lets just say she had never been happier. hes naive. wheres his heart. now all the while he is still stuck in my mind. hes fresh in my mind.

im happy today.

2008-03-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

i love my job so much. its probably not even fair how much i love it. i love the way my hands smell when i come home from work. i love olivia and tatum and dylan. i love having a clean room and coming home to a clean house. i love making money and i love owen and baby laying together. i love my nails and i love being clean. i do not love class. but ill suck it up. i love blasting the dear hunter and rolling all the windows down. i love this weather. i love running errands. i lovveeeee a lot of stuff right now!

ive felt so uneasy.

2008-03-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

all day long. since i woke up. like something really bad is going to happen. -_-

days, weeks, months, years.

2008-03-10T14:21:00.001-07:00

i get things done, and i can move figurative moutains. maybe im not the best person i can be all the time, but i think its fair to save some for later. i constantly try to give my life its summary, but im still trying to figure out the best possible setting, which characters to stick with, im dreaming up the climax, im nowhere near ready for a conclusion. i think ive been really set on this being it, ive really been acting helpless. and i know im not. im in control of my situations for the most part and im finally back to being patient and im feeling good with what i have, although it isnt much. its what i need for now and living any other way would leave me in chaos.

nothing has changed other than my outlook, and maybe thats all i really needed. a couple people have helped me with that. im going to take my own advice, and let down my nets, and trust god with the present, because theres a reason ive been in such a slump, he knows what hes doing.

i think its time for a new tattoo.

your side of the bed is still your side of the bed.

2008-03-09T00:32:00.000-08:00

i always let you pick even though i secretly have a favorite side. sometimes i roll over in the middle of the night onto your side, and ill wake up and move back over to my side, because i feel like youre the only one who should be there. when anyone comes over and sits there, or lays there, i become really uneasy. baby asks about you. when im sad, she comes up in my bed and lays on your side, and looks at me, like she wants to ask, "who did it to you?", but she knows the answer to that already. it might seem silly but i think its taken an equal toll on both of us. i feel like a single parent who has no answer to why daddy left. i just let her know its not her fault, and its not my fault, and sometimes people just leave because its what they feel like they have to do, and sometimes they dont come back for a long time, and sometimes they never do. i dont think she likes the idea of you never coming around again, i dont think i do either.

come up to meet you, tell you im sorry, you dont know how lovely you are. i had to find you, tell you i need you, tell you i set you apart. tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions. oh lets go back to the start. nobody said it was easy. oh its such a shame for us to part. nobody said it was easy. no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start.

hehe

2008-03-05T02:29:00.001-08:00

i need a big spoon ps!

life right now

2008-03-05T02:18:00.000-08:00

is lemon lime gatorade, honey tea, losing weight, feeling dirty, stuffy noses, lonelylonely, cold sweats, a raspy voice, and my current closest friend, the flu! im just glad the home improvement marathon on nick at nite is over. weeellpp i want to feel better. and thats about it. :]