i am so happy.

little flowers.

maybe it makes sense now. maybe somewhere in all of this theres a reason. maybe somewhere in all of this theres a why. maybe somewhere theres that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. but nothing, not tears, nothing can make something that happen, unhappen. the passage of time is all too often measured only by loss.

take the bitter with the sweet. accept lifes misfortunes as well as its joys. i try not to worry, but i stay terrified. i need to learn to face difficulties as they happen and not worry uselessly about them beforehand. i need to learn to say, "lets cross that bridge when we come to it," and "here today, gone tomorrow." i dont always need to feel so defeated. theres a lot that im accomplishing, all of the time. whether i choose to acknowledge it or not.

without you its a waste of time.

to me, leaving isnt about finding something better, its about seeing what i havent, and experiencing what ive never had the chance to. i want to travel while im young. while i have no real obligations or commitments. i am happy inside, for the first time in a long time. and its no ones fault but my own. which makes it that much better. here comes the sun little darlin.

im not really sure.

about anything anymore. im sick to my empty stomach. i want to throw up but theres nothing to come up. id like progress. i just have no energy or faith left to find it. im over everything, im so past it. i hope. i woke up this morning and nothing was right. all day. everything was wrong. i cant stop being sad today. today is a bad day. its been a no good, very bad day. and ive got sunburn on my shoulders. and im peeling. its very sad. its a very sad day for my shoulders.

shouldnt i still be playing house and shouldnt i still get silly crushes and shouldnt i still dream of being an astronaut and shouldnt i still decorate my room with boy band posters i ripped out of magazines and shouldnt i still want a pony and shouldnt i still ask mommy for permission and shouldnt i still hate doing my chores and shouldnt i still get in trouble and shouldnt i still get put in time out and shouldnt i still run up the stairs and shouldnt i still fall down them and shouldnt i still sleep with stuffed animals and shouldnt i still get excited over ice cream after dinner and shouldnt i still have a bedtime and shouldnt i still sneak a flashlight under my blankets to avoid it and shouldnt i still get taken care of when im sick and shouldnt i still be scared of monsters and shouldnt i still lick the cake mix off the spoon and shouldnt i still have a childhood. i got jipped. i didnt want to grow up and i didnt have a choice.

plants and animals.

"dont be sad that im alone, im not."
"youre not alone?"
"im not sad."

well well.

i can never figure out whether im always at the brink of falling in love, or never even close to attraction - there is never an in between. they are meant for me or they are not. my biggest fault isnt leaving, its not leaving soon enough. everything becomes tangled. and complicated and dramatic and boring, irritating yet amusing. but not amusing in a good or funny way; amusing in the way that i sit and laugh about what i will say next to avoid you (and make it sound good). its not because i think i am better, it is because you give me the oppurtunity to analyze your flaws. it is because you give me the chance to temporarily develop my own flaws (which will change immediately after you leave the picture). its not a matter of me changing for you. its a matter of me changing for me, because in my mind i know that there is nothing more wrong and absurd than you and i together, i begin to change habit in order to see how it is, the way you live. i never end up liking it. why? because i like the way i live. i go everyday the way i do, because its what keeps me sane and grounded. love is a very tricky thing. youre supposed to make sacrifices and give everything inside of you to make someone else warm inside. but it seems like every time im given the chance to, im still trying to make myself warm inside, because god knows that no one else can do it right. im not being proud and im not acting full. im so distant with the world around me because i dont know how to love it, and i dont know how to let it love me.